Pork Rinds and Brimstone
by Eris Goddess of Discord
Summary: The end is near. The house is full. Tempers are running high. What could be weirder? Read on...
1. Chapter One

**Disclaimer: **No infringement of copyright is intended. You know the drill, anyone appearing on or mentioned on BtVS are ME's. New characters introduced here are mine.

**Rating: **R

**Spoilers: **None so far.

**Warnings: **Language (girls can be such potty mouths), slanguage heavy, general wackiness.

**Pairing: **Ensamble cast.

**Setting: **Season 7

* * *

**Pork Rinds And Brimstone**

_byEris © 2003 - All rights reserved._

**Chapter One**

Kennedy opened a bleary eye as the sun's first rays tickled her nose from the open bedroom window. 'Whuzzat?' stumbled through her mind as she attempted to focus on the peculiar pink blur in front of her. Suddenly a shrill cry of, "JEEZUS CHRIST!" escaped her lips and she bounded from her sleeping bag in panic.

Scrambling sideways she landed on three other girls slumbering beside her to loud, cranky, too-early-morning protests of: "Stop it, biotch!"

"OW! Kennedy, fuck off!"

"Hey, Kennedy, this is a no lesbo sleeping bag!"

But she was not amused. "All right, which one of you slime balls did it!" She trumpeted waking everyone in the room now.

A pillow flew through the air to smack her and more disgruntled potentials voiced their dissatisfaction. "Shut the fuck up people are trying to sleep!"

"Will ya' get offa me!"

"Get a grip!"

"Get stuffed!"

"Get a room!"

"Another room besides this one!"

Giggles erupted throughout the bedroom at that comment.

"Shut uuuuup!"

But Kennedy was not to be put off. "I mean it!" She continued. "Which one of you twisted bitches did it?"

"What are you on about?" Rona asked grumpily sitting up and scratching her head.

"Who put that thing on my pillow?" She pointed hysterically.

Rubbing their eyes they looked.

"What thing? I don't see anything." Came from someone somewhere.

"The toy?" Another voiced confused.

"Aw, a stuffed piggy." Vi picked it up admiring its cuteness and cooed. "Hello, piggy."

Shannon snatched him from her and began to toss him about, "Where'd ya get the stuffed oinker, K?"

"Hey knock it off!" Cheyanne griped as it landed on her face.

"Guys, come on, be quiet it's five thirty, for criminy..." Rona whined roughly taking the toy away and chucking it at Kennedy's head.

Kennedy hunkered into a ball attempting to make herself as small as possible and put her hands up defensively. "Aahh, get it way from me!"

"What IS your problem?" Cheyanne asked irritably as it struck her again.

"I... don't like pigs, okay." She revealed hesitant to share with the gaggle of girls.

"Hello, stuffed." Shannon directed at Kennedy, the toy coming into her possession once more and waving it about.

"It's a teddy bear, dumb ass." Rona said pointing out the obvious and grabbing it again.

"Teddy pig." Corrected Vi.

"Whatever." She retorted and tossed it at her.

"You have a cat in your back pack." Jeannie reminded sleepily.

"Cats I like." Kennedy defended with a smart assed sneer.

"Meooooow." Came from somewhere in the room followed by, "Oh, that's too easy." This elicited another round of giggles from the girls and a, "Shut up still trying to sleep here."

"So Kennedy's afraid of pigs?" Vi reiterated smugly.

"Noooo." She defended poorly, "I just don't like them is all."

"This is just rich, a big slayer wannabe a'scared of pigs."

Shannon giggled. "Let's just hope she never comes across any vampire porkers or she's totally screwed."

"Shut up, Shannon!" Kennedy barked angrily.

Suddenly the door flew open. "What the heck is going on in here!" Buffy bellowed wiping at one crusty eye. Then realized she was none the quieter and lowered her voice to just above a hush. "Are you all crazy? Why is everyone up and making with the noisage?"

The throng of wall to wall girls sighed in unison answering, "Kennedy."

Kennedy's eyes went wide as dinner plates and her mouth fell open at being scapegoated.

Buffy cast her a fed up glance. "Kennedy, this is not some cheesy slumber party video shoot. Everyone here needs their rest including you if you're going to be prepared, so, I suggest you-" But stopped abruptly upon spying a pink something amid the clutter of bags and blankets. She entered the room stepping over personages crossing over to Kennedy and snatched the little pink treasure from the floor. "Where did this come from?"

"That's what I've been trying to find out-" She started to explain but was cut off.

"Rhetorical." Buffy snapped. "This is Mr. Gordo." She waggled him at her. "Mr. Gordo is mine, he has mucho importante sentimental value, and I'd appreciate it if, while you," she raised her voice, "and everyone listening to my not happy, much-too-early-to-be-awake-and-functional voice, would not touch my personal things without asking first."

"But-" Kennedy sputtered.

"There are way too many of you girls here to be playing stupid games and practical jokes. Now go back to sleep." Buffy retraced her steps glancing back sternly at Kennedy just once before she closed the door behind her.

"Thanks a lot, ladies." Kennedy grumbled fuming at being hung out to dry. "You sure you're all potentials and not witches?" She slugged her pillow a couple of times releasing some dissatisfaction then dropped down into her sleeping bag huffily jerking it over her head.

"Gooood niiiight, Kennedy." A few of the girls sing-song in unison followed by mocking giggles.

"Fuck off." She groused and rolled over disgusted with her potential bunkmates.

To be continued in Chapter Two


	2. Chapter Two

**Disclaimer: **No infringement of copyright is intended. You know the drill, anyone appearing on or mentioned on BtVS are ME's. New characters introduced here are mine.

**Rating: **R

**Spoilers: **None so far.

**Warnings: **Language (girls can be such potty mouths), slanguage heavy, general wackiness.

**Pairing: **Ensamble cast.

**Setting: **Season 7

* * *

**Pork Rinds And Brimstone**

_by Eris © 2003 -- All rights reserved._

**Chapter Two**

Later that morning the kitchen was a flurry with hungry girls scrambling for anything not nailed down to butter, syrup or sugar to fill hollow tummies.

Kennedy still fumed glowering between bites of cereal. She hated looking like the fool especially in front of Buffy. But even more so, she hated weakness. Weakness in others, and especially in herself. She prided herself on setting a strong example and not just because she was the oldest of the potentials. Now she was humiliated by her shortcoming and knew she would be incessantly razzed about it. The ankle biters had found her Achilles' heel and clamped down, hard.

"Oink, oink, oink." Was thrown out from one end of the kitchen and responded to with, "Squee." from the other end.

"Quit it!" She yelled.

Faith picked at her breakfast bar and looked about fascinated by the strange new vibe being bandied about this morning.

Willow also took notice of the morning's agitation, Kennedy's uncommon quietness and the gaggle of curiously smug, giggly girls. "Hey, what's going on?"

Kennedy was too quick to answer. "Nothing!" Then realizing she may have sounded snappy added, "Sorry, lack of sleep thanks to these lame-o tards."

"Tell the truth, K." Cheyanne taunted.

This piqued Faith's interest now, "Brat, ya' gotta secret?"

"Nooo." She defended.

"Spill." Faith ordered.

As expected the girls offered her butt up on a platter.

"Miss bossy britches is afraid of stuffed animals." Vi blurted out.

Rona elbowed her and corrected. "No, idiot, pigs."

"Pigs." She repeated.

"Pigs?" Faith echoed, the biggest broadest grin the potentials had ever seen from the usually dour Slayer spread wide across her face like a lighted billboard.

Great now she was embarrassed in front of Faith too. This day was starting off on the wrong foot in every way shape and form. What next anvils from above?

"Hey, fears are no laughing matter." Anya stepped in addressing the group in her defense with a wave of her spatula. "Pigs are dangerous creatures, they have long sharp teeth and scary floppy ears just like bunnies. And those grunty noises they make sound just like men sometimes. They're also sweaty smelly like men for the most part too..." She placed her hands on her hips and turned to Kennedy, tact-o-meter off, "Are you sure this is a pig thing and not a lesbo/man thing?"

"Okaaaay." Having Anya sympathizing with her was humiliation overload. She dropped her spoon into her bowl and placed a hand over her eyes hoping to shrink away to nothing and vanish from this whole conversation.

Willow placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. "It's okay. I kinda got this frog thing goin' myself. Ironic really, witch an all." She smiled sheepishly her cheeks a blush. "And we won't go into the pony thing."

Kennedy stared up at her. "Ponies?"

Willow screwed up her face and nodded.

"What about horses?"

She cringed and sucked in a small breath through her teeth. "Just ponies of the too tall variety."

Kennedy chuckled, shook her head then looked Willow straight in the eye. "That's too damn bad. There goes that fantasy."

Willow's expression changed from one of soft understanding back to one of the worrying kind, she abruptly released her shoulder and went to the refrigerator for more ginger ale.

'Stupid, Kennedy, stupid, stupid.' She chastised herself. 'Once again too forward for your own good. Where's that anvil?'

"Alright people," Buffy said entering the kitchen like a whirlwind. "Pick up the pace we need to be outta here in ten." Grabbing a breakfast bar and a piece of fruit she greeted Willow and the rest then turned to Kennedy, "Kennedy." Calling her out with a finger wag.

'Oh lord, what now?' She sweated meeting her over by the back door.

"Look, I may have been a bit rough this morning," Buffy began, "but it was way too early to play PC drill sergeant. I expect you to set a good example for the girls..."

'Me? She does?' Kennedy was near flabbergasted and held her face tight trying not to let on.

"...But I forget you're just a kid yourself. And if you're, you know, feeling homesick, or so..." She shrugged and gestured, "and Mr. Gordo helps, it's okay, just ask next time. He doesn't mind making new friends feel better. It's his gift." She smiled breezily and patted her on the shoulder.

Kennedy stood there mouth open not knowing exactly how to respond.

Luckily they were interrupted by Faith making a rather loud commotion with one of the potentials. "Jeannie, Hon, that better not be the last of the chocolate syrup making its way into your dribble glass." The slayer warned.

And before she could respond, Buffy had bounced away into the basement calling for Dawn.

Faith continued to tease the younger girl. "What did I just say?" And grabbed for the glass.

"HEY! No fair, Faith." She grumbled.

"You snooze you loose, Britany." She teased taking a big gulp and holding it out tempting her with the rich chocolatey goodness.

Jeannie reached for it but Faith pulled it away and grinned evilly. They proceeded to bob and weave like basketball point guards, Faith keeping the beverage just out of reach till suddenly in a full reversal she grabbed the slayer in training around the waist and pulled her in close holding her securely. "Settle, chika, it's share-zee-ies, now." Then took another swig and shoved the half empty glass at her. "And your half will have to be washed."

Kennedy returned to her seat, her bowl was gone, she couldn't believe it. "Aw, come on?! Alright which one of you took my cereal now?"

"Hoah, another snoo-zer." Faith commented coming up behind her. "It's probably for the best though..." She ran her hand playfully down her arm then pinched her bare midriff making Kennedy jump. "You're looking a bit p-p-p-p-porky." She teased.

Anya turned around from the sink, a bit of a smile on her face, eyes bright. "I get that." She announced excitedly. "I get that cultural media reference. Th-th-th-that's all folks." She laughed waving her hand just like in the cartoon.

Kennedy sighed a big sigh lowering her head into her hands, 'Why me?'

* * *

From inside Buffy's bedroom Mr. Gordo carefully listened to the noises in the hall as girls, girls and more girls ran wild arguing over bathroom privileges, floor space and topics of hair care and apparel. With so much goings on and so many people it was very hard for him to move about freely. He surely thought he was done for this morning when the bossy girl awoke and let out the most awful noise alerting the others, but luckily they were none the wiser.

From his perch he waited patiently till the house grew quiet once more. When he heard the last of the girls slam the door and the uniform drill shouts begin he knew his chance had come. Launching himself into the air he landed softly on the carpet with a bounce and a big tumble. Quickly righting himself he trotted out of the room and down the hall as fast as his stubby legs would allow. Dashing into the other bedroom he cheerily greeted a well worn teddy bear with only half its mouth stitching left. "Hiya, Mr. Mumbles. Is CJ awake?" He directed to a pillow on top of the bed.

"Hey there, Gortho. I bethieve tho, but thee's in her bag." He gestured over near the corner against the wall.

Gordo hurried over to a leather satchel amid the linens and sleeping bags strewn about in a big pile on the floor and undid the buckle with a surprisingly dexterous trotter. Poking his snout into the tote he called out, "CJ, it's me, Gordo. You awake?"

Suddenly something bumped his snout and he jumped back. The bag shifted about and two delicate paws made an appearance at its lip, followed by long whiskers, followed by a big bushy head pushing its way out from beneath the flap. "Oh Gordo, you're alright. I'm so pleased." A sweet voice purred. Slinking out of the sack an attractive white cat toy made its way to the carpet and began grooming itself, her glowing green eyes winking warmly at him.

"Yeah, that was a close one, for sure." He beamed.

Returning to the bedside they waited as Mr. Mumbles silently made his way down followed close behind by Jesse, a spry, handsome, tawny lion who was initially on a dresser in the opposite corner.

Trumpeting his release a cheerfully blue, shaggy furred, floppy-eared mammoth climbed out from under the pile of bed linens stumbling a bit on his way as his long curved tusk became entangled in the cloth.

And finally with the thrumming of many, many, many feet and the arrival of a lengthy, shiny, whiskered Eastern dragon tipping his way in from Dawn's room the band was complete.

"How long have we got?" asked Tarragon.

Periwinkle hung his shaggy blue head. "I can't tell time."

"Who's to say?" Jesse replied. "The girls are impulsive and unpredictable."

"So, Gordo, what do we do?" CJ appealed. "How do we warn them of the bad that's here?"

Mr. Mumbles scratched his fur lite head, "Maybe we thouldn't my girl'th athcared eenuth already."

Gordo breathed deep. "We must it's our duty. We must protect our girls."

"Agreed," Jesse nodded, "everyone in the house is in grave danger. We need to figure out some way of getting through to them and the sooner the better. But how?"

Long moments passed as the toys sought their stuffing stuffed brains for anything that they could possibly try.

Suddenly from over in the pile of backpacks by the wall a wobbly faint voice was heard. "Hey, guys, I wanna help. Come on.... Please?"

To be continued in Chapter Three


End file.
